Not A Skill Set I Want

Being the parent of a child with special needs, especially when some of those needs are medical and life threatening, is a difficult job. There is absolutely no doubt that we need help sometimes. We need nursing care for our children – we need specialists like neurologists, gastroenterologists, therapists, and such – we need for our friends to sometimes help ease the burden by bringing us a meal, helping with our other children, or even just being available to lend an ear. But ultimately, the care of our special needs children, as long as they reside in our homes, falls to the parent(s). We have to learn to cope for those times when we don’t have help. We have to know how to survive the long sleepless nights, the lack of time to shower, and how to care for everyone else in the family. And 99.9 percents of the parents of special needs children that I know (and that’s a whole lot) do know how to survive, how to cope when support systems fail. But recently I have met a parent who chooses not to cope without support.

This particular parent is married and has two children – one with special medical needs and one without. This parent has a LOT of support – nurses, grandparents, friends. Neither parent works, yet they live in a nice brick home with a large yard. They are currently working with a contractor to add on to the house. The mother regularly has her hair colored by a professional and has manicures and pedicures very frequently. She has an active social life that doesn’t include her children, and shopping is one of her favorite pastimes. They never lack for food, furniture, or entertainment options.

How does this particular family make all this happen? Primarily through the power of Facebook.

Each day brings a ‘request for prayers’ for a particular need. This morning’s prayer request involved hoping Mom can make it through the day without the nurse who happened to call out sick. Sometimes it’s comments like, “haven’t been shopping in 3 days – going through withdrawal” or “my nails look so bad that I just don’t want to leave the house”. Those comments usually draw someone to meet the need.

Your initial thought might be that I am jealous of this mom. You would be totally wrong. I also lack for very little but it is because I ensure my family’s needs are met. I’m not fond of always having people in my house, be they nurses, therapists or friends who visit unannounced. It’s just not in my nature to ask, ask, ask of others. I am the giver not the taker. And it has never once occurred to me in my life that I had a right to rely on other people to make my life what I want it to be. So no, I am not jealous.

What I am is embarrassed. I can understand when people of a certain political party don’t feel Medicaid and other such programs are necessary if they happen to meet or know this family that I just described. I can understand when politicians say we should rely on friends and our church to help meet our needs and therefore don’t need social programs to help us. Thing is, what this particular family has honed to a fine art is not the norm, is not even close to the norm.

This mom has a skill set that I do not wish to have. I seldom talk about religion, my beliefs or my faith on this blog. But today I am making an exception. Long ago, when I first became an adult and then later a mother, I chose a particular passage of the Bible as my guiding light. It is Proverbs, Chapter 31, verses 10-31.

Look it up and you will understand why the actions of this family and this mother bother me so much.

A Visit To Bear Creek Lake

Just like the flowers in my garden, I believe my children need lots of sun and fresh air to be their best. Making that happen gets a little tough on these shorter Fall and Winter days. The sun is almost ready to set by the time they get home from school each afternoon!

So, on the weekends, I try to plan activities that will get everyone outside. As long as the sun is shining, even if it is cold, we try to do something that keeps us outside for several hours each weekend day. This past weekend, we visited one of our favorite places, Bear Creek Lake State Park.

The Park is only about an hour from our home, and this time of year, it's not the least bit crowded. Here are some pictures from yesterday's outing:













What do you do to make sure your children get enough outside time in the Winter?

My Kind of Vacation

If you are the parent or other family member of someone with a disability do you ever get tired of the disability? Do you get tired of the explaining, the questions, the stares, the changes you must make in your life? Do you feel like you work as hard as you can and yet you still cannot make enough of a positive difference for your loved one? Do you just want a vacation from disability?

I read this post today about a Mom who is right there. And this one from a single dad with a disabled son and daughter. And I understand, to a degree.

I have found from reading many blogs from parents of children who are severely disabled that those parents experience so many different emotions than I do based merely on the fact that they gave birth to their child rather than like me, chose their severely disabled child(ren). Sure, we share some of the same emotions – sadness, hope, despair – but there is one big emotion that we don’t share – guilt.

With Ashley, I was not the one who drank to excess during her gestation. I was not the one who was bulimic and chose not to get prenatal care. I wasn’t the one who smoked and did drugs. I am not the one responsible for the effects all those things had on my sweet Ashley.

But I am also not the parent who did everything correctly while pregnant only still to have a child with severe disabilities. That, I believe, is a source of even greater guilt for some parents.

So I think I can understand the words of parents who had no choice in their children’s disabilities. Their words are difficult for me to read, and I think that is because I did have a choice. While I appreciate the raw emotions and the gut wrenching honesty of those parents, I find that it hurts my heart to read their words too often. If I feel guilt, it’s because I walk away from those brutal and honest words, and the pain that is shared. Guilty because I know listening and reading doesn’t do me any good. I will stop by occasionally because I need their perspective, but not often enough that their visions darken mine.

Perhaps that means I am not a very nice person, but I am a parent to children with severe disabilities, children I CHOSE. And my life is richer beyond belief because of those choices.

I don’t want a vacation from disability – I want a vacation with my children without other people handicapping them and our family.

Just a Thought

I know that there are people who will read this post and immediately start googling the location of the closest psych ward for me. But, trust me, I’m not ‘doing’ anything yet – I’m just sharing thoughts.

Now that I have a spare bedroom (Corey has left home and joined the Army), my thoughts immediately went to the subject of adoption. It seems a shame to have an empty bedroom when so many kids wait for a bedroom and a family to call their own.

**This is where some of you may start your Google searches**

I have not made a decision to adopt another child, but I must confess that I have visited the adoptuskids website. However, the type of child I would want to adopt (if I had made a decision to adopt again and I haven’t) is not the type that is featured on that website. I would want a child that is either currently in an institution or is headed to an institution.

It truly breaks my heart to just think for a minute about a child growing up in a room with a number on the outside. It breaks my heart to think of such a child not getting tucked in and a kiss goodnight every day. It breaks my heart that such a child may never hear the words “I love you” and have them ring true.

Children need siblings, not other ‘residents’. They need family dinners even if they are fed through a tube. They need holidays with loved ones not holidays spent with the ‘alternate’ staff. They need a dog or a cat and to raise butterflies at least once in their life. They need to sit on a blanket under a tree in the back yard looking up at the cloud shapes. They need sticky hands from popsicles eaten on a summer evening, all the while watching the blinking of lightning bugs. They need to wake up in the morning to the same face that they saw when they went to sleep the night before. They need vacations spent at the shore every year. They need Christmas presents under a tree that has a family’s history of ornaments dangling from it.

They need a family.

I’m not intimidated by complex medical needs. I have learned to navigate the health system in my area, and we have one of the best teaching hospitals in the US here. I have connections and family supports. I understand the insurance system and how to make it work for my children. I have a good job that allows me adequate time off, and I have the supports in place for my children when I am working. But I also have this nagging little whisper in my head that keeps talking about adoption of a medically involved child.

Will I answer that whisper? Not today. But maybe in the future….

Summertime, and the living is easy, or is it?

Only two more weeks and school is out for the summer. Ashley will doing some ESY services but does have two weeks at the beginning of the summer and two weeks at the end with no school services. Ronnie isn't receiving any ESY services this summer.

I really want to make sure that first and foremost neither Ashley nor Ronnie lose any of the skills they acquired during this past school year. It was a great year for them both and their progress was quite visible. But at the same time, I want them to enjoy they summer and do all the summertime things that most kids get to do.

It's finding the balance that sometimes is difficult to achieve.

I know that even things like going to the pool or playing on a sports team can help maintain communication skills over the break. And, I can come up with enough tasks around the house to help maintain their self-sufficiency skills. But what about the academics?

Do you work on academics over the summer with your children? If so, do you have a structured schedule for that, or do you just try to fit it in when you can? And how do you decide what to work on? Is it based on their IEP, or based more on what you feel they can achieve? As we all know, sometimes the school's vision doesn't mesh with the parent's vision.

I know that as a child I was so excited over the summer to have time to just play, to not have to adhere to a schedule, and to explore new places. But I wasn't a child with special needs who needed a schedule, whose skills could regress rather quickly, and who had a tough time maintaining friendships with my peers.

What's your plan for the summer? Do you have things that have worked in the past, or are you going to try something new this summer? And, does your family have any special summer traditions that your children with special needs look forward to each year? Do you feel your children regress over the summer, and if so, is that just something you expect, or do you actively do things to overcome that?

Just wondering....

A Different Fear

Though I am afraid of many things – camel crickets, roller coasters, etc – I only remember feeling that deep, in-your-gut type of fear a few times in my life.

Staring down a store robber who was holding a gun pointed at my head. Living with an abuser whose switch flipping I could never predict. And September 11th, when I watched the horror unfold on a television at my place of work knowing my children were 10 miles away in school.

That fear on September 11th was worse than the gun-wielding robber or the fist-wielding spouse.

I wanted – no, I needed – my children with me that day. Thinking rationally, I know I couldn’t have done anything to keep them safe if the terror continued, but I wasn’t thinking rationally. I just wanted us all in the same place, all holding hands, all knowing our world had forever changed.

I sincerely hope that out of the horror that was September 11th a safer world has emerged. Even though we complain about TSA, backpack checks at theme parks, and a constant guard presence in our work places, I don’t mind those things if I can feel a little safer.

But today, one day after the killing of Osama Bin Laden, the little spark of fear is back in my chest. Will we see retribution? Will our security measures hold? Will it be worse before it is better?

I know that I will keep very close tabs on my children. I know that I will have a plan to bring us all together should another terror arise. No less today than 10 years ago I want my family together to ride out any storms.

And to quote one of my favorite bloggers, Sheri, “I am not celebrating. I am not mourning, but I am not celebrating.”

Gotcha!

This week we celebrated Ronnie's Gotcha Day. Exactly a year ago, my handsome son came home to his new Mom and his brothers and sisters.

It's been a year of surgeries and health issues - first girlfriends and joining a sports team for the first time. It's been a year of learning to trust and believe, a year of accepting that many people love you.

Through the year, Ronnie has dealt with his feelings of loss, his fear of the new and unknown, his insecurities and his apprehension about whether this truly will be his forever home.

I hope he's starting to believe that he really is home, that I will always be here for him, and that he is my son - wholly and completely.

All our lives changed a year ago, yet it seems like this was always the way our lives should be. He was my son before we ever met, and I will always be his mom. Whether the word is destiny or fate or a word involving divine intervention, I believe our lives were pre-ordained to be together, and I am so very thankful that we are.

Happy Gotcha Day, dear Ronnie, and always know that I love you - always have, always will.

Starting Early

The kids and I decided to visit the Williamsburg outlet stores this weekend and do some Christmas shopping. With the economy, more specifically my economy, being in the shape that it is, Christmas purchases must be spread out over several months. Of course, the primary reason Ashley wanted to go was to visit the Converse Shoe Outlet!



Chip had decided that he would get Ashley a new pair of Converse sneakers (pair number 14!) for Christmas, and he wanted her to pick out the color she wanted.



Of course, she wanted them all!!



But she finally settled on orange, and they are now safely tucked away in the Christmas present hiding place!

If only everyone was so easily pleased...

Take Me Out to the Ball Game

To take everyone's mind off Ronnie's upcoming surgery, I decided to play hooky from work and take the boys to a local baseball game.

The temperatures were sweltering, and the accommodations at the ball park for people with disabilities were dismal, but we all refused to let that diminish our fun. We stocked up on water and sunscreen, and had a blast watching the Richmond Flying Squirrels (really, that is the team name) win over the Trenton Thunder.

Afterwards we went to Dave and Busters, and all three boys said they had a great day!

His Brother and Sister

Ronnie's siblings visited this past Saturday. They are 10 year old twins - a boy and a girl - and they are absolutely beautiful children. Thier adoptive family was on the way to an Orlando vacation and agreed to stop by.

Ronnie had not seen his siblings for quite a while, and we just last week got the Skype session going so he could see them on the computer. That left a lot to be desired, so I was ecstatic that a visit was arranged.

As soon as they came in, they flanked Ronnie on the couch, so close to him that it seemed they were super-glued together. They don't know sign language but their eyes and their lips said how much they had missed him and how glad they were to see him. It didn't take long before they were all checking out Ronnie's bedroom and the other areas that make up Ronnie's new home. Ronnie's brother even came out and whispered in his adoptive mother's ear, "Ronnie likes the Redskins just like me!"

Their family could only stay a short while. They were facing a 16 hour drive to Florida, and it was already almost 4pm in the afternoon. There were many hugs and kisses, and promises to visit again soon. I hope those promises are kept.

I know that there were many reasons why Ronnie and his siblings couldn't be placed in the same adoptive home, but my heart was sad to see the joy, the closeness of the moments ending as everyone walked out the door. Ronnie has not seemed overly upset about the separation - perhaps he is used to it. But, I sure do wish all three of them could have been a part of our family.

I will, however, do everything I can to ensure that they are a part of our extended family. Thank you, Nadine, for the visit and the chanced to meet the siblings and the rest of your lovely family!

Celebrating the Red, Pink and Blue

Due to a little laundry snafu, our tie-dye red, white and blue shirts turned red, pink and blue! But we didn't let that put a damper on our celebrating!



The weather was sweltering and I had to get creative to keep the kids standing still for pictures. A flower from my garden did the trick....at least until Ashley ate it!







In the picture below you can see Ashley's little hand reaching to snag the flower from Chip!



Then the flower became a snack....



Our celebrations continued with a fabulous dinner on the grill (cooked by Chip), a selection of summer fruits and vegetables, a patriotic dessert of frosted Rice Krispie treats (again cooked by Chip), and finally, fireworks on TV!

A very good day! Happy Birthday, America!

Baltimore - Day 1

When we set off for Baltimore last week, I was curious to see what our travel experience was going to be like. Though we have traveled with Ashley and her wheelchair in the past, Ashley is capable of walking short distances. If we couldn’t find a curb cut, it wasn’t a big deal – Ashley could just stand up, step down the curb and then get back in her chair. But with Ronnie, there is no standing – it’s the chair all the time.

The first area we visited was Baltimore’s Inner Harbor. The boys had their hearts set on having lunch at ESPN Zone, so you can imagine the disappointment when we arrived and discovered the restaurant was no longer there. We settled for Hard Rock Café.

The Hard Rock Café had little to offer a deaf teenager, but I think Ronnie was quite happy when he realized I was going to let him order an ice cream sundae for lunch! We finished lunch – I took the requisite tourist picture – and we headed out to the Inner Harbor.



The line at the aquarium was much too long to wait in considering the temperature was pushing 100 degrees, so we explored some shops and watched some high school dancers in the plaza. Locating the handicapped entrances to the buildings was a bit of a challenge, but once inside, we were always able to find an elevator.

We were even able to find Ronnie a pair of Converse shoes to use as pool shoes. Since he has no feeling in his legs, it’s very important to protect his feet when he swims. Otherwise they could get all scraped and cut without him even knowing it.



After lunch and a little exploring, we headed to our hotel to check in. It was a lovely Hilton right in the heart of Baltimore. It was contemporary and quite impressive, and the rooms that Chip had booked for us overlooked Camden Yards. But the most important thing about the rooms? The delicious air conditioning!!

After getting settled into the room, Corey and Ronnie decided to check out the pool. Imagine my surprise when I saw the lift at the end of the pool. Although we didn’t need it, I was impressed that the hotel folks had been aware and considerate enough to realize the need.



Here are a few pictures from the swimming experience:







After a good dinner in what we thought was a restaurant but what turned out to be more of a bar, we settled into the hotel rooms to await the start of the Baltimore Orioles/Washington Nationals baseball game. While we couldn’t see the whole field, we were able to watch the game simultaneously on TV.



I think the boys had a great time in their own room, and everyone was looking forward to actually going to the game the next day. More later…..

Glowing Golf

It was another hot, sweltering Sunday afternoon. I really can't imagine what it will be like when August gets here. Fortunately, our city has a lot of indoor entertainment for days when you go outside and it seems your skin is melting. Today we went to Glow Golf!

Glow Golf was a perfect choice for everyone. The boys loved playing minature golf in the dark and seeing which articles of their clothing would glow. Ashley loved all the glowing lights - it was quite a sensory experience for her. Everyone got glow bracelets when we started, and Ronnie loved putting them all together into a necklace.

To make it even better, Glow Golf's admission price is lowered if anyone in your party has a disability. Instead of $8 per person for 3 games of 18 hole minigolf, the price was $6. The only other place I have ever been to that reduces or waives admission prices for people with disabilities is the Norfolk, Virginia Zoo.

The surprise winner of the day was Ronnie! Besides two hole-in-ones on the course, he was the only person who got his ball in at the "Prize Hole' at the end of the course, which scored him free admission anytime within the next 60 days. He was so proud of himself, and even wanted to watch golf on TV when he got home.

He just might have his sights set on being the next Tiger Woods (without the sex addiction, of course!)!

The Reality of the Time

I’ve recently been addicted to a cable TV show called Mad Men. It’s new season will start mid-Summer, so I have been making my way through all the previous seasons on Blu-ray. Here’s what the Mad Men website has to say about the show:



Set in 1960s New York, the sexy, stylized and provocative AMC drama Mad Men follows the lives of the ruthlessly competitive men and women of Madison Avenue advertising, an ego-driven world where key players make an art of the sell. The latest season of the show takes place in 1963.

The Premise: The series revolves around the conflicted world of Don Draper (Hamm), the biggest ad man (and ladies man) in the business, and his colleagues at the Sterling Cooper Advertising Agency. As Don makes the plays in the boardroom and the bedroom, he struggles to stay a step ahead of the rapidly changing times and the young executives nipping at his heels. The series also depicts authentically the roles of men and women in this era while exploring the true human nature beneath the guise of 1960s traditional family values.

It was that part about “1960’s traditional family values” that first interested me. Think Leave it to Beaver or Ozzie and Harriet…what I didn’t see in the show, however, was anyone with a disability. And I very clearly remember that about the late 60’s when I was growing up.

There was never a student with a disability in any of my classes at school. I never saw people with disabilities in the community or in church. Where I did see two young men with disabilities was in the home of one of my parent’s friends.

Mr. Lamden was a pharmacist and his wife was a stay-at-home wife and mother. Their two sons, both teens at the time, and both with severe cerebral palsy, lived one neighborhood over from us. While I would sometimes see Mr. Lamden at the drugstore, I never saw Mrs. Lamden or her two sons unless we visited their home.

I so clearly remember how excited the boys were to have young visitors like my brother and me. Their smiles would explode as soon as we walked into the room, and though they couldn’t speak, the sounds they made were obviously (at least to me) happy sounds. We entertained each other just by existing in the same room together, and I could read the disappointment on their faces when it was time for my family to leave.

I remember wondering, even though I was young, why the boys didn’t go to school – why their parents didn’t take them to the park or the beach. I wondered what they did to pass the day, and if they were happy and content with their lives. I imagined that they wanted more but didn’t know how to tell their parents.

I believe that those two Lamden sons were the reason my heart for advocacy was born. Even though my world is now filled with people of all abilities, I long to know what ever happened to the Lamden boys, and I so wish I could tell them ‘Thank you’.

Just Who Are Dave and Buster?

One of my absolute least favorite places in the world is Chuckie Cheese. I did my parental duty when my children were younger and did take them there, but I never left without a pounding heachache and super over-stimulated children. I can't begin to tell you how happy I was when they got too old to go there.

Then along comes Dave and Busters. Friends told me it was like Chuckie Cheese for adults. If they were trying to sell me on the place, that certainly wasn't the way to do it.

But, it was a sweltering, hot morning and I wasn't in the mood for chores. So, I loaded up the kids and headed to Dave and Busters. We had decided to have lunch first and then hit the flashing lights and ticket-spewing machines.

The menu was pretty impressive, but I still wasn't convinced that the food wouldn't taste like the frozen pizzas at Chuckie Cheese. And our waitress didn't seem the least bit happy to (1) be working that day, and (2) have my 'unique' family at one of her tables. She was grumpy and refused to give me a kids menu for Ashley even after I explained that Ashley was still mastering the fine art of eating by mouth. And, she almost rolled her eyes when I asked for a cup with a top on it.

When our food arrived, the manager did also. He said he was checking on how things were. I told him that the food looked wonderful, but that I had my doubts that Ashley would eat the macaroni and cheese, because, God forbid, it had bacon in it. He told me if it didn't work to just let him know and they would do something else for her. Okay....things were looking up.

As we made our way through lunch (Ashley ate the soup that I had secreted away in my purse), the grumpy waitress got a little friendlier. She talked about her kids, refilled our drinks, and helped box our leftovers.

After lunch, it was time to hit the arcade. Arcade may not be the right word, but I don't know another word that fits. It truly is like Chuckie Cheese for older kids and adults. There was even a bar and the beer was flowing by noon. I'm not sure I would want to take my children there in the evening, but morning seemed fine and other parents had their children there also.

The kids LOVED it, including Ashley. The flashing, colorful lights kept her amused for over an hour. We eventually ran out of 'credits' (tokens in Chuckie Cheese speak), and headed home.

My expectations for the trip were not high, and the start to lunch wasn't great. But all in all, it was an enjoyable couple of hours, and the kids are already asking when we can go back!

Just Stop It

We spent a lot of time out in the community during our four day holiday. The weather was beautiful, and we were all in the mood for Summer. During one of our outings, we visited our local produce market. It's a little bigger than a farmer's market, but nowhere near the size of a grocery store, and the fruits and vegetables are always the freshest in town.

While we were there picking up our blueberries, strawberries, oranges, apples, limes and corn, we really irritated a lot of people. Like I mentioned in an earlier post, we seem to annoy a lot of people because we are slow at times.

I understand that we move through places like a choo-choo train, two wheelchairs lined up, and everyone else in a single file also. I do that purposely so we don't block any aisles. But people still get annoyed, and the thing that I don't understand is why I feel the need to say I'm sorry to those impatient people.

Whenever I see "the look", I say "I'm sorry", and try even harder to minimize the space we all occupy. Why do I do that??? Why do I apologize just for existing, but that's what I feel like I am doing. If I hadn't already gone out of my way to be as considerate as possible, the "I'm sorry" might be an appropriate response, but I do go out of my way, even to the point of trying to pick times that fewer people are in the placed we need to go.

So, while we annoy people frequently, I am now annoying myself more. Neither I nor my children have anything to apologize for, and I need to remember that.

Friday and Saturday

FRIDAY:

Ashley's MRI went ok. She's been having these every 6 months for the past three years, and I hoped that over time she would get used to the hospital, the people, and the procedure. She seems to have done that to some degree.

The first couple of years, she was so anxious when we arrived at the hospital that she was given a medicine to relax her prior to the actual anesthesia. That worked well except for one thing. When she had that medicine in combination with the anesthesia, she was really, really slow at waking up. That scared me to death.

But the last time (prior to Friday's visit), she seemed relaxed enough to skip the first medication. We still have a bit of a struggle getting her onto the stretcher, but after the procedure, she woke up quickly and was ready to go home. She was almost back to her normal, happy self by the time we arrived home.

On Friday, the staff moved quickly, and we didn't have to wait long. Because of that, I decided to skip the first medication again. She was fine until she saw the stretcher. There was no way she was going to get on it.

I tried bribing her with the nurse's watch. I tried my sweet mommy voice. I tried my stern mommy voice. Those things were all a waste of time because Ashley was NOT going to get on the stretcher.

Keep in mind that Ashley is 15 years old and as strong as a WWF wrestler. Even though I tried to physically get her on the stretcher, it was a task that was doomed to failure. At that point, the anesthesiologist suggested we try a different kind of medication - Ketamine. He said it was a shot and would start to work in about 3 minutes. I agreed, and at exactly 3 minutes, Ashley got loopy. It still took the anesthesiologist holding her top half and Chip, my 19 year old son, holding her bottom half to get her on the stretcher, but finally she was there and nodding off.

I worried that she might have a tough time waking in the recovery room after the Ketamine. She woke up pretty quickly but she was loopy for almost the rest of the day. Like a drunken sailor....

Chip and I got her home and she spent the rest of the day on the couch. I'm not sure how I feel about the Ketamine though. I may have to do some research before agreeing to use it again. I really didn't like seeing Ashley so out of it for so long..

SATURDAY:

We couldn't have picked a worse day to go to Busch Gardens. I figured it was early enough in the season that it wouldn't be crowded yet. What I didn't take into account were the thousands of middle school music students from across Virginia who were there to do something musical....Not sure what, but really sure that it was super crowded.

Each school district had their students in matching teeshirts. I stopped counting the different colors of teeshirts the students were wearing, but it was like a giant rainbow had vomited all over the park.

Now I like middle school students, but I have decided that I only like them in small numbers - less than 100, for example. It was really difficult pushing two wheelchairs through the crowds, and the lines at all the rides were just too long to wait in. Add to that the 85 degree temperature, and our first visit of the season was a disaster.

We have season tickets, so we will be going back frequently. But, since this was Ronnie's first visit, he was not very happy. He wanted to stay and do more, and no amount of reassuring him that we would be back would work.

Hopefully he will forgive me, and maybe, just maybe, I will spring him from school early one day and we will go without the crowds!

Liquid Strength

Tears of joy.

I wanted to be strong and persuasive. I wanted to stand tall, surrounded by my children, convincing all present that I was indeed the best choice.

I wanted my skills, my achievements, my committment and dedication to shine forth.

But all that came were tears of joy - as always happens when I talk about my children and how blessed I feel.

Then the judge cried with me and a new family was born.

Perhaps my strength has always been in those tears.

Hoop Dreams

The weather this past weekend was lovely - not too hot, not too cool. The lure of the basketball hoop in the back yard was not to be denied!

Child Sent Back To Russia

I’m sure most of you have heard the news story this weekend about the adoptive mother who put her 7 year old son on a plane and sent him back to Russia. Both the United States and Russia are in an uproar over the event, and Russia may even suspend any future adoptions by the US. The adoptive mom said a lawyer she met via the Internet told her she should send her son back.

According to the mom, the child was very violent and she was scared of him. She said he attacked her several times, and that she caught him trying to start a fire in his bedroom. While these accounts may sound far-fetched to most, I understand exactly what was happening. I believe the boy suffered from Reactive Attachment Disorder.

My daughter, Jessica, is diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder. The story told by the mother of the young boy sounds eerily familiar.

I have had several friends who either wanted to or actually did adopt children from Russia. The children were all in orphanages. My friends believed that all the children available in the US had serious emotional issues. The believed that they could get a young child from Russia, a young child of their dreams. Unfortunately, my friends have realized that the children from Russian orphanages have not escaped emotional upheaval either.

Reactive Attachment Disorder is in my opinion one of the most difficult issues a family can face. Like the boy in the story, people outside the family may not see the issues. RAD children are very good at covering up and presenting a charming face to people outside the family. But for the family, rage, aggression, injury, false accusations, killing animals, starting fires, etc. are a daily occurrence.

I in no way condone what the mother did. But I do know that the young boy needs some immediate and serious help. I hope he gets that before another unsuspecting family ‘rescues’ him. The mother and the rest of the family also need immediate and serious help. If anyone is at fault in this situation it is the ‘system’.

Potential adoptive parents need to be brutally educated. They have to know how damaged many of the children in our foster care system and in the institutions of other countries can be. It doesn’t mean these children should not be adopted. Rather when they are adopted, everyone in the family needs constant support.

Jessica is proof that a child diagnosed with RAD can mature and lead a good life. But, the issues are always there. Jessica has learned to recognize times of difficulty and to ask for help. Those around her have also learned to diffuse potential triggers for her negative behaviors. I’m proud of her for all she has and is accomplishing, but she could not have done it without intensive supports from the very beginning of her time with us.

I just hope that people who do not know about Reactive Attachment Disorder will not judge either the child or the mother. Just understand that desperate people do desperate things. We, as a society, need to offer assistance before the desperate acts happen.