Mary and Stephen

(Photo by Keith Beaty of the Toronto Star)

As a mother, I dream of all my children finding that special someone with whom to share their lives. And, I think most of them will given what special people they are (yes, yes I know – I am a tad prejudiced). But I do think that search will be more difficult for my sweet Ashley.

Deafblindness is a disability of exclusion. It’s difficult for a person with deafblindness to reach out to others, especially when those others don’t understand the complexities of the disability.

So I was especially heartened when I read this story in the Toronto Star.

Mary and Stephen have been married for 32 years. Stephen is 66 years old and his wife, Mary is 67 years old. They are both deafblind. They attended school together as children, but then life took them down separate paths. However, in a story ripe for the movies, they reconnected many years later and quickly got married.

They both speak (through intervenors) of how much they enjoy their life. Stephen even, much to Mary’s embarrassement, says “The sex is good!” And now they are looking forward to spending the rest of their lives together.

That is what I want for my Ashley.

Mary and Stephen’s only reqret? They can’t have children. Mary’s mother had her sterilized when she was a young woman.

Ashley also loves children. So I will add to my dreams for her that she will one day be a mother. I can picture it in my mind, and it is a beautiful picture indeed.

Liquid Strength

Tears of joy.

I wanted to be strong and persuasive. I wanted to stand tall, surrounded by my children, convincing all present that I was indeed the best choice.

I wanted my skills, my achievements, my committment and dedication to shine forth.

But all that came were tears of joy - as always happens when I talk about my children and how blessed I feel.

Then the judge cried with me and a new family was born.

Perhaps my strength has always been in those tears.

Merry Christmas To All

Today starts our 'unplugged' holiday, but before leaving for a week, I wanted to wish everyone a very Merry Christmas. I hope your holidays are full of joy and love. My year has been enriched greatly by each and every one of you!

Do NOT Pity Me

Following our normal post-Thanksgiving tradition, the kids and I headed out pretty early last Friday for some Black Friday shopping. I love finding deals, but I also love the experience of moving along with a crazed crowd searching for an item that you know will cost less after the first of the year.

I wrote last year about our Black Friday experience and the problems we had navigating some stores with a wheelchair. It was interesting to me that this year things were a little easier. I wonder if all those store managers read my blog?

Since the navigating part of our Black Friday experience was easier this year, I was able to spend sometime people-watching. I saw lots of different ‘looks’ on the shopper’s faces – worry, excitement, the thrill of the hunt – but I also saw something that bothered me. I saw pity and sadness whenever a shopper would look at me pushing Ashley through the store.

Over the years, I have learned to deal with people feeling sorry for Ashley. I usually scoff a bit and enlighten them on some of Ashley’s antics. I share how she is much more like her peers than different, and it usually works. People would walk away with a good bit of the pity look wiped off their face. But this time the pity seemed directed at me.

It hit me pretty hard. Do people feel sorry for me that I have a daughter in a wheelchair? Do they believe my life is less than good because of that? Do they think I have regrets and dream about the child Ashley could have been had her birthmother not been an alcoholic?

I wish all those people with their pitying looks could read this blog. I wish they could understand that my life is complete, not unfulfilled, because I have a child with a significant disability. I wish they could spend a day with us and see that we are a joyful and more typical family than they think. I wish I could tell them that I am happier then I ever dreamed possible BECAUSE I have a child with a disability.

Here’s hoping some of them will read this blog, and will then understand.

Today I am thankful that Ashley's birthmother agreed to place her for adoption

Social Services - Part 2

I left the social services office with a very heavy heart. I knew from my years as a police officer that a lot, a whole lot, of bad stuff happens to children. In fact, seeing so much of that was one of the reasons I decided police work could not be a career for me. But seeing it again at the social services office had no less of an impact than when I was an officer.

During the meeting with Corey’s social worker, she told me that the health department, just two buildings away, might have H1N1 shots available. My children have appointments this coming Monday for their shots, but I have not been able to find one yet. So, I decided to give the health department a try.

As I approached the building, I noticed a father and his twenty-something daughter also heading into the building. The daughter had some obvious physical disabilities – I would guess cerebral palsy – but she was able to walk, albeit very slowly and carefully, next to her father. The almost vacant, innocent look in her eyes and the expression on her face led me to believe that she also had cognitive impairments.

They entered the building ahead of me, and once greeted by the receptionist (and I use the term greeted very loosely), the father said, “My daughter, Louella, needs a flu shot.” The receptionist said, “We are only giving flu shots to pregnant women. Is she pregnant?” Louella’s father said, “If I say yes, can she get the shot?” The receptionist said, “Like I said, we are only giving shots to pregnant women.” Louella’s father said, “Well then, she’s pregnant.”

Louella seemed to find this exchange quite funny, and when she looked at her father and grinned, the room seemed to light up like the sun bursting forth after a week of rain. Her father returned her gaze and the love in his eyes seemed to say, “Don’t worry Baby Girl – Daddy will take care of you.”

The nurse was called to administer the shot. Louella stood very still and strong while her father wrapped his arm around her waist. He thanked the nurse when she was done, and I swear, if he had a hat on, he would have tipped it.

Louella’s father offered her his arm. She linked hers in his and they left the building. I knew I wasn’t going to get a shot that day, so I left after them. As they were walking back to their car, Louella’s father said, “I love you, Lou.” She looked at him and I knew he understood that she was communicating similar feelings.

As they pulled away in their car, I noticed their license plate. It read, “ILOVELOU”.

Today I am thankful that when my heart is heavy, God chooses to lighten it with a very special message.

High School Buddies

What's one of the saddest things about Ashley going to high school next year? The boy who lives for her every smile will be going to a different high school. We'll all miss you terribly, Justin!



(Pictured in the last picture with Ashley and Justin is Mrs. Sheets, Ashley's teacher.)

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am dedicating my Thankful Thursday list to my children in honor of Mother's Day. Today I am thankful...

• for the way Ashley leans against me and falls asleep for 10 minutes each school morning while we wait for her bus


• for the pride Corey displays when he is wearing his JROTC uniform. He deserves to feel proud of himself.


• that Chip offered to buy a week's worth of groceries for me for Mother's day. I said no, of course, but it was very sweet that he was willing to do it.


• that Jessica still calls me every single night, even if it is just to yell at me.


• that Ashley is still very much a Momma's Girl. All my children are growing up so quickly and it is hard to let go of the closeness of their younger lives.


• that finally after 4 years, Corey does seem to be an integral part of our family.


• for the sweet way Chip touches Ashley on her cheek each morning, even if she is being Miss Grumpy Pants


• that Jessica still tells everyone that she thinks I am beautiful


• that all my children are growing into fine people, people who care, people who I am convinced will make a positive difference in this world


• and finally, for the child I have yet to find but hope to bring home one day in the near future

Happy Mother's Day!

Looking For Love

I wrote last week about my concerns for my daughter, Jessica, finding a job. I am also concerned about Jess finding love.

Jessica is 18 years old, and quite interested in the opposite sex. She always has been, but as a young child we attributed her extreme interest to her diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder. One of the symptoms of RAD is sexually provocative behavior at a young age. But now her interest is different.

The objects of Jess’s attention are boys her own age rather than men that are much older and in roles of authority. She seems genuinely interested in developing an age-appropriate relationship, dating and eventually falling in love. My concern arises because Jess’s cognitive age is more that of a 6-7 year old.

How do I ensure that she is not taken advantage of by a boy that is her age chronologically but much older cognitively? How do I help her understand what things are appropriate and what things aren’t? How do I explain a healthy sexual relationship to someone who is essentially 6-7 years old?

I want Jessica to fall in love, get married, and have children if that is her dream. But I don’t have a clue how to help her realize that dream. She doesn’t even seem to understand the biology of her body although I and her teachers have worked for years to help her understand. And as I mentioned in my earlier post, I don’t know how her aggressive outbursts will allow for a close relationship, when in fact, the outbursts get worse as she gets closer emotionally to people.

I know these issues must have been tackled by many others, and it is their advice I am seeking. Or, if anyone is aware of other resources that might help Jessica with these issues, please let me know.

Special Exposure Wednesday

Two years ago, I started this blog with a story about Ashley dancing with a boy. That boy, Miles, was her first real crush, and while they attended middle school together, whenever I said his name, she would get the biggest smile on her face.

Unfortunately, Miles moved to high school this year. But last Friday, Ashley ran into Miles at a local grocery story. You can tell from the expression on her face that if he said, "Ashley, let's run away to Alaska, shoot moose, and watch turkeys being slaughtered", she would immediately start packing her rifle.

She definitely has not forgotten Miles...



Make sure to visit 5 Minutes For Special Needs to see all the other great SEW photos!

A Moving Tribute

Do you ever wonder if your child with a disability understands and appreciates all that you do for them? Do they comprehend, even at a young age, the battles we fight, the tears we cry, the sleepless nights, and the joys that they have brought into our lives? I'm not sure of the answers to those questions for my children, but when I see a story like the one linked below, it gives me hope.

He's Immobile But His Story Has The Power To Move

Lance Carr's story is in the news today, and he will appear in person on the Today show this Thursday. If you are able to watch, I think it will be time well spent. I know that just reading the story made my heart smile...

Son Shine

How can this be? Just yesterday, I sat in my rocking chair, my tiny son at my breast, and wondering how I would ever cope as a single parent. I had finally convinced my abusive, alcoholic husband to leave, but in my darkest moments I wondered which was worse – staying in the abusive relationship or being a single parent. The answer came as I watched my dear son, Chip, grow and mature.

Today Chip is almost 18 years old. He will be graduating from high school this year, and he is excited at all the options his future holds. He is a really good man – kind, generous, intelligent, caring, and compassionate. He has grown up with three adopted siblings with disabilities, and he feels he is a better person for that experience. I agree with him.

I believe I made the right decision almost 18 years ago. Single parenting has been very difficult, but I need only look into my oldest son’s eyes to know that his peace is my peace.

I am so very proud of you, Chip, and I love you more than life itself.

The absolutely gorgeous photo of Chip was taken by the best photographer in the world - my brother, Carl, of Hampton Roads Photography.

Take Good Care Of My Baby

In the words of Bobby Vee:

Take good care of my baby
Please don't ever make her blue
Just tell her that you love her
Make sure that your thinking of her
In everything that you say and do

Take good care of my baby
Now don't you ever make her cry
Just let your love surround her
Paint rainbows all around her
Don't let her see a clouded sky

My oldest daughter, Jessica, will be 18 years old this year. It’s so difficult for me to reconcile that fact with the miniature child I brought home nine years ago, the child who had been moved from foster home to foster home, had survived brain cancer and its treatment, and had endured physical and sexual abuses that would leave her scarred for life. She is now a relatively happy, vibrant young woman who still has her moments of aggression related to her diagnosis of Reactive Attachment Disorder, but who overall is enjoying life and brightening the lives of those around her.

I wish Social Services could see her now. I’m not sure they would even recognize her. She is quite self sufficient in many of the tasks she will need for semi-independent living – cooking, cleaning, activities of daily living – and she envisions her future as a nurse’s aide. But during a meeting yesterday with the support team that met last year for a person centered planning exercise for Jessica I was forced to face an issue that I admittedly had been avoiding – Jessica has a boyfriend.

Like I said, she is almost 18 years old, and rightly so, she has an intense interest in the opposite sex. Her support team and I have worked diligently to help her understand the ins and outs of relationships, and have worked to help her understand the sexual side of things, her ability to say ‘yes’ as well as ‘no’, and concerns for her health and safety. But still, I’m not ready.

I honestly don’t believe that my angst would be any different were Jessica not significantly intellectually disabled. She is my first girl child confronting these issues. It’s hard for me to see myself as the mother of a young adult. I’m used to my children being just that – children. But now, I must get used to the fact that they are soon to be adults. I worry about her vulnerability – I worry about her heart getting broken – I worry that she will get taken advantage of – I just worry. But like I wrote on July 4th, I want all my children to have the freedom of choice, and one of those choices is to engage in a loving, sexual relationship.

I guess it’s almost time for me to accept what I say I believe, eh?