Happy Thanksgiving!

I have so many things to be thankful for today and everyday - including this cute little turkey!



Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Thankful for Mr. Ralph

I'm thankful for many things during this holiday season - things both big and small. And, one of those things is that Ashley's morning school bus pickup has been changed.

For the first two years of high school, Ashley had a wonderful bus driver named Mr. Ralph. Mr. Ralph is a man of few words, but a man with eyes that reveal his inner heart of gold. He seldom smiles, but you could tell that he liked Ashley. He made many suggestions about how to make her bus ride more pleasant, and he rearranged his pickup schedule so I could make it to work on time.

But this year, even though Ashley was going to the same school, her bus driver and schedule changed, and since the start of school in September, I have been late to work every single day. I've learned though that trying to make a bus change at the start of the school year just doesn't work. The transporation office staff is stressed to the max, and can be downright rude sometimes. So, I let things go for a while.

I did finally call a few weeks back and asked if Ashley could be an earlier pickup. I didn't ask to change the bus or the driver, just that she be one of the first pickups instead of the last. This time the transportation office staff was more relaxed and worked hard to help me.

Instead of a shuffle of pickups for her original bus, they decided to change her bus, and lo and behold, it was back to Mr. Ralph's bus! Ashley and I were both so excited to see him the first day, and happy that his unsmiling face but warm eyes will be what she sees each morning.

AND....And...I made it to work on time finally! Both my boss and I are thankful for that!!

Thankful for Nordstrom

I've never been a Nordstrom's shopper, but I'm changing my mind now! Take a look at this sign that is posted on all Nordstrom's stores:



As someone we has always disliked the fact that Thanksgiving gets overlooked, I truly appreciate gestures like this. Thank you, Nordstrom!

Packing My Valise

One of my favorite bloggers is Dave Hingsburger at the Rolling Around In My Head blog. He posted an entry the other day titled, “When I Pack For Heaven” and it really made me slow down and think. I've written many times in the past about things for which I am thankful, but when I think of whittling all those thankful things down to just a few that I can pack in a small valise for my trip to Heaven, things got a little tougher.

I’m really hoping that St. Peter will allow me to enter Heaven with maybe a medium sized valise considering that I have five children, and have many things to pack. But if not, here is my list of the most important things to pack. Why don’t you think about this and tell me what you would pack?

Things to Squish into my Valise for my Trip to Heaven:

• Ashley’s smile and little giggle when I pull the bed covers off her head each morning.


• The pride in Jessica’s eyes when she finally was able to wear ‘big girl’ panties all the time.


• Chip’s hand slipping into mine while we attended my mother’s funeral.


• The way Corey stood just a little taller after he was inducted into the Army.


• The vision of Ronnie shooting both fists into the air whenever he makes a basket for his wheelchair basketball team.


• The memory of the way Ashley wrapped her whole body around me right after her brain surgery at age 2.


• Jessica’s grin and the little skip in her step when she walked on stage for her 8th grade graduation.


• Seeing the abject fear in Chip’s eyes when Ashley almost lost her life to a seizure, and then watching him not want to let go of her hand once we knew she would survive.


• Having Corey list me as his mother on his Army recruitment papers when I am actually just his legal guardian. I never had official mother status for him.


• When Ronnie opened his eyes and search for me after a very serious surgery just a few months after he had joined our family.

Oh my, I think my valise is already full. Maybe I need to have a little talk with St. Peter to see if I can bring more than one!

Sad to See it End

This is the first year that I have been sad to see school end for Ashley. Really..can you believe I just made that statement???



Ashley's teacher is wonderful. She is the first teacher that has ever - EVER - taken a real interest in learning how to effectively teach Ashley. That teacher has also decided to pursue a Masters degree in Reading and Literacy with a focus on students with deafblindness.

Whoa! Sounds almost like the Twilight Zone, or like maybe I am caught in a dream.

The changes in Ashley have been monumental because of this teacher. And, the high school Ashley attends is very inclusive. Yesterday, the PTA gave out tee-shirts to the kids that had the words, "J.R. Tucker, Henrico Countyis Best Kept Secret." And it really is that.

So thank you, Mrs. Marsh. Thank you to all the teachers and staff who have made a difference in Ashley's life. Thank you to the clinic nurse and staff for taking such good care of my daughter this school year. Thank you to the administration for the support you show your teachers and staff, and for knowing personally who Ashley is. I know in a large school that it must be difficult to know all the students, but somehow you make it happen. Thank you to the bus drivers and aides. And thank you, other students, who called Ashley your friend.

We will miss you all, but look forward to September!

Thank You

While Memorial Day is punctuated with pool openings and barbecues, I don't want to forget the real meaning behind the holiday.

Thank you to all those who have made this world a safer place.

Thank you for allowing my children to dream.

Thank you for making it possible to envision a future.

Thank you for ensuring that this wonderful country lives on and on.

Thank you for making our barbecues and family gatherings possible.

Thank you for all your sacrifices.

Today my prayers are for you and your families. Happy Memorial Day!

IEP Squared

One week - two IEP meetings - I'm tired but very glad that all is done for another year.

Ashley's IEP meeting was today. If you've been a longtime reader of my blog, you know that Ashley's educational program has been a challenge. Throughout the years, I've had to file complaints with my state education department and also dealt with a due process. For every year things would go well, there would be two horrible years. But all that was before Ashley went to high school.

She finally has a teacher that is well-versed in teaching children with deafblindness. She cares and she has high expectations for Ashley. Last year and this year, Ashley has made more progress than she made during the whole rest of her school career.

Today's IEP meeting went very well. Everyone was in agreement as to what Ashley needed, and Ashley's teacher did a wonderful job of creating an IEP - the best IEP Ashley has EVER had!

Ashley will be staying in our neighborhood school. She has made many friends, and will continue to see those friends next year. She will be receiving ESY services. She will be getting all the related services she needs. And I didn't have to fight for any of this.

I wish it hadn't taken so many years to get to this place, but I am so very grateful that we are here now. I'm hopeful for Ashley's future, and I know that other people are also. It really does a Mother's heart good!

So thank you, Selene, Angela, Scottie, Nancy, Dan, Maurice, and all the other participants. This is how education should work. I am proud of Ashley and I am proud of her IEP team!

An Apple A Day

Do you have a favorite doctor? How would you describe him or her?

As parents of children with disabilities, we see a lot of doctors over the years. Some good – some not so good. But along the way, we usually find one or two that we trust completely. When I meet a parent with a young child and they are searching for doctors and specialists, I’m always reluctant to make a recommendation because my criteria for ‘good doctor’ might be different than theirs.

So I’m curious. What characteristics do you look for in a doctor? If you have a doctor you love, what’s special about them?

I’ve met a lot of good doctors since I first adopted Ashley 14 years ago. Here’s some examples, and these are definitly doctors I would recommend to new parents:

Dr. G was the pediatrician I first saw the week after I brought Ashley home. He was quirky and wore socks with his sandals. He played games with his patients and talked to them, not just to me. He trusted my opinions, and even asked for my thoughts. When my mother passed away and Ashley was marginally ill, he noticed I was super stressed and had Ashley admitted to the hospital ‘for observation’. Really it was just to get me some help for a few days. Dr. G also testified at my due process hearing when I was fighting for ESY services for Ashley, and he was one of the primary reasons we won that ESY battle.

Dr. M was also in the pediatric practice Dr. G was in. My first encounter with Dr. M was when he was convinced that he could get Ashley to take her medicine, medicine that I struggled to administer 3 times a day, every day. He told me that I should not put it in her bottle. So, I asked him to show me how to do it. After 30 minutes and a battle that left him scratched and bitten, he told me it would be ok to put her medicine in her bottle :) Dr. M would go from that point to the point of being the most skilled doctor at drawing blood from Ashley. She would sign ‘good job’ after every time he drew that blood. He came to understand her like no other doctor has. He won her heart by letting her play with his watch every time we showed up for an appointment, and when he retired, he gave Ashley his watch to keep. She still has it in a special place to this day.

Dr. T also saw Ashley the first week I brought her home and continues to see her today. His bedside manner leaves a lot to be desired, but I always felt he was the best at his specialty. I opted to give up bedside manner for skill. Once several years ago, he decided that his gray hair was making him look old, so he dyed it jet black. Ashley went in for an appointment and was scared to death because he looked so different! A year or so later, I would have to convince Dr. T that Ashley needed an MRI to check for brain tumors. She had previously had 2 tumors removed and her increasing seizures had me worried. He didn’t think it was necessary, but ordered the MRI anyway to make me happy. The MRI revealed three new brain tumors. Dr. T called me just hours after the MRI and made all the arrangements for Ashley to see a neurosurgeon the next day. I could hear the worry in his voice, and from that point forward, he and I have an understanding. He trusts me and I trust him. He’s working on his bedside manner, but he has never wavered from being the most skilled doctor of his specialty.

Good doctors are sometimes tough to find, but no parent should worry about switching doctors when necessary. Your child will signal to you when they are comfortable or uncomfortable with a particular doctor. Let them be your guide...

Change in the Air?

Ronnie received a very nice card in the mail last week from our county school's superintendent. I thought I must have been abducted by aliens and transported to another universe where schools really cared about their students.

The card said congratulations and had a personal note that said, "Keep up the SUPER work and effort." It was personally signed by Dr. Pat Russo, the Henrico County School Superintendent. Enclosed was also a copy of the article about Ronnie that appeared in the newspaper at the end of December.




I was very impressed that Dr. Russo took the time and cared enough to send the card. Dr. Russo is the third superintendent that my school district has had since my children started attending school. Neither of the first two superintendents would have even thought of doing something as nice as sending a card.

So, kudos to Dr. Russo, and here's hoping for some more positive change in the school district!

An Always Holiday Spirit

A lot of people seem nicer during the Christmas season. Not everyone, of course. There are still those folks who are impatient standing in long lines or angry because you took the parking space they believed was reserved for them. But I have noticed more smiles, more "Have a great holiday!", and more considerate comments to the salespeople and service workers.

I'm glad to see it during Christmas, but I really wish I saw it more all year long.

I know that we all get impatient, get angry, and just have bad days. But it's more of the blah days I wish we could overcome. I know it's early for New Year's resolutions, but I want to thank more people in the future. I want to smile at strangers more often. I want to slow down and enjoy the life that surrounds me not just the life I have programmed for myself and my family.

I want more people to say, "What a nice person" instead of "What a b*tch." I want my children to learn to be more thankful and less expecting. I want my whole family to notice sunsets more often and comment on lovely flowers more often. I want my children to rush to help someone, not rush to criticize or complain.

I just want to bottle this Christmas spirit and let it out in dribs and drabs all year long. And if someone runs out of the Christmas spirit, say around March or April, I want them to be able to go to the Christmas Spirit store and get some more - free of charge, of course!

Tonight, this Friday of no particular importance, I will pray for more peace, more respect and consideration, more happiness, and more joy. Will you join me?

Welcome Back

I'm a strong believer in open adoptions. Unfortunately with the children I have adopted from the foster care system, maintaining a relationship with birth parents doesn't usually happen. The only birth parent that I have been able to have somewhat of a relationship with is Ashley's birth mother.

Several years after bringing Ashley home, I was really driven to see if I could locate her birthmother. I'm not sure exactly why - maybe because I was so proud of the beautiful child Ashley was that I wanted to let her birth mother share in that joy.

With the help of an adoption document that wasn't fully redacted, and with Detective Internet, I found the person I believed to be Ashley's birth mother. I wrote her a letter and included a picture of Ashley. I didn't pressure her to contact me back, but I hoped she would.

Two years passed before I received an email from her. Then there were a few phone calls and then we became Facebook friends. None of this is to imply we were close or even had much of a relationship, but it was a tentative connection that was important to me.

I learned that Ashley had two younger siblings, children who like Ashley, were adopted by a family headed to Delaware. I was disappointed that Social Services had not contacted me about the siblings, but such was the fate that was determined.

Then Ashley's birth mother dropped out of touch again. Another couple of years passed, and just today, she showed up again on Facebook. We've commented to each other, and I hope we can continue to do so.

I learned that she is engaged and has a 9 month old son. She seems very happy, and I sincerely hope her life is headed in the direction she wants it to head in.

And I sincerely hope that we can meet one day. I would still like for her to see Ashley, and most importantly, I would like to thank her for the gift she gave me almost 14 years ago - the most wonderful gift in the world, my darling daughter.

Turning Wrong Into Right

This week has been an historic week for people with disabilities. Today, President Obama will sign into law the Twenty First Century Communications and Video Accessibility Act, and earlier this week, he signed the Rosa’s Law bill.

The Twenty First Century Communications and Video Accessibility Act will ensure that Web sites and makers of consumer electronics consider the vision- and hearing-impaired, who have been left behind as more communications tools move to the Web.

Here is a link to a Washington Post article that provides more details.

Also signed this week by the President was Rosa’s Law. Rosa's Law changes references in many Federal statutes that currently refer to "mental retardation" to refer, instead, to "intellectual disability".

Senator Barbara Mikulski said this when introducing the bill to the Senate with bipartisan support last November: “This bill is driven by a passion for social justice and a compassion for the human condition. We’ve done a lot to come out of the dark ages of institutionalization and exclusion when it comes to people with intellectual disabilities. I urge my colleagues to join me in a step further. Help sponsor the legislation that I offer on a bipartisan basis. Help me pass the law and know that each and every one of us makes a difference. When we work together, we can make change.”

I’m sure that not all Americans will agree with these two laws, and may even question their importance when war and famine and other horrible situations exist. But to people with disabilities and those that love them, this is wrong being made right.

A big thank you to everyone who worked to see these bills become law.

Social Services - Part 2

I left the social services office with a very heavy heart. I knew from my years as a police officer that a lot, a whole lot, of bad stuff happens to children. In fact, seeing so much of that was one of the reasons I decided police work could not be a career for me. But seeing it again at the social services office had no less of an impact than when I was an officer.

During the meeting with Corey’s social worker, she told me that the health department, just two buildings away, might have H1N1 shots available. My children have appointments this coming Monday for their shots, but I have not been able to find one yet. So, I decided to give the health department a try.

As I approached the building, I noticed a father and his twenty-something daughter also heading into the building. The daughter had some obvious physical disabilities – I would guess cerebral palsy – but she was able to walk, albeit very slowly and carefully, next to her father. The almost vacant, innocent look in her eyes and the expression on her face led me to believe that she also had cognitive impairments.

They entered the building ahead of me, and once greeted by the receptionist (and I use the term greeted very loosely), the father said, “My daughter, Louella, needs a flu shot.” The receptionist said, “We are only giving flu shots to pregnant women. Is she pregnant?” Louella’s father said, “If I say yes, can she get the shot?” The receptionist said, “Like I said, we are only giving shots to pregnant women.” Louella’s father said, “Well then, she’s pregnant.”

Louella seemed to find this exchange quite funny, and when she looked at her father and grinned, the room seemed to light up like the sun bursting forth after a week of rain. Her father returned her gaze and the love in his eyes seemed to say, “Don’t worry Baby Girl – Daddy will take care of you.”

The nurse was called to administer the shot. Louella stood very still and strong while her father wrapped his arm around her waist. He thanked the nurse when she was done, and I swear, if he had a hat on, he would have tipped it.

Louella’s father offered her his arm. She linked hers in his and they left the building. I knew I wasn’t going to get a shot that day, so I left after them. As they were walking back to their car, Louella’s father said, “I love you, Lou.” She looked at him and I knew he understood that she was communicating similar feelings.

As they pulled away in their car, I noticed their license plate. It read, “ILOVELOU”.

Today I am thankful that when my heart is heavy, God chooses to lighten it with a very special message.

Thankful Thursday

Loucendia, a state employee like me and a participant on the same deafblind advisory council that I am on, awoke yesterday morning and prepared to report for work. Like me, she probably got herself ready, attended to her family – making lunches and breakfast – making sure everyone was good to go for the day – and then she made the drive to our downtown area. She parked in the newest of our state-owned parking decks, and began the walk to her office building, one building over from mine. The walk is one that hundreds of state employees make each day, but it is also one that requires crossing a very busy street in them middle of rush hour.

As Lou attempted to cross the street, a crossing marked by the flashing “WALK” sign as safe for a pedestrian, she was struck by a city transit bus and was killed.

The investigation is still continuing, and no answers have yet been given for this horrible tragedy. It weighs so very heavily on my mind and in my heart, and has made this Thankful Thursday post extremely significant for me.

Today, a day for which none of us have any promises, a day which could have started as inconsequential as Lou’s probably did yesterday, a day which could bring unheralded tragedy, is a day I am driven to give even stronger thanks than usual. And, as a direct result of the tragic end to Lou’s life, I have decided to take a different approach to giving thanks publicly on this blog.

I will not be posting Thankful Thursday after today. What I will be doing is making a statement at the end of every blog post that I write – a statement of thanks for whatever stirs in my heart at that moment. I have decided that giving thanks publicly should be a daily proclamation, and not confined to just one day a week.

Today, I am thankful…

• for the smile on Ashley’s face this morning when I woke her and she looked into my eyes


• that my adult son still comes into my bedroom each night and signs “I love you” before he goes to sleep


• that Jessica calls me every night, even if it just to tell me what she had for dinner


• that Corey is healthy and happy, and that his life is not the hell it was for the first 12 years of living


• for my brother and his beautiful daughter, Melody


• for my special friends – friends who are just a call or glance away – friends who understand me and still like me – friends like Lynnette, Amy, Jackie, Sharon, Mike and Don


• for people like Lou, people who choose to make a difference for children


• for the material blessings in my life – a home, three meals a day, healthcare, and a job that allows me to provide for my children


• and for the ability and rights that I enjoy, including writing this blog

Rest in peace, Lou.