Amazing

Life support was removed from Corey's birthmother on Tuesday of this week, but apparently she didn't need it anyway. She is still alive!

I don't know how she went from no discernable brain activity last Friday to shaking her head up and down and side to side in response to yes/no questions.

Actually, it reminds me of my ex-husband. People who one would expect to not live very long given their addictive life styles seem to live much longer than anyone would ever have thought.

Corey seems to have relaxed a bit, but there are still no good expectations for his birthmother's future. But who knows, she's already surprised everyone....

I'm sure Corey would appreciate your continued prayers.

The Call - Continued

All the tests which have been done on Corey's birthmother indicate that all brain activity has stopped. There is no hope left. It is just a matter of timing at this point - when to remove life support.

Corey is not doing well. I'm hoping he can go to Baltimore tomorrow. He needs to say goodbye and to tell her he loves her one last time.

Their life together was tumultuous at best, but very horrible at its worst. Still she is the woman who gave birth to him, the woman that, despite the demons that plagued her, loved him. She couldn't parent him, but she couldn't ever forget him either.

They will be forever bound, and I want him to know that. He is the fine person he is today due in part to the life they shared. Please include Corey in your prayers tonight.

The Call

My son, Corey, got the call that probably wasn't a surprise, but it was still painful.

His birthmother, a woman that for most of her adult years has been a drug addict and an alcoholic, overdosed on Sunday. She is unresponsive and the doctors say there is significant brain damage. That's all we know right now.

Corey's Aunt headed to Baltimore, and depending on what his Aunt and the doctors suggest, Corey may also be headed there soon.

Although I know in my heart that Corey feels a stong bond with us, his adoptive family, the pain of possibly losing a birth parent is devastating. I want to make it better for him, want to take away the hurt, but I can't.

But Corey is strong and has grown into a fine man. He will make it through whatever happens. I have no doubts about that. But that small child that lives inside us all will always have a tough time when it comes to something this serious.

Please keep Corey and his birthmother in your prayers...

Special Exposure Wednesday

I remember when Corey wasn't as tall as this gun is long....:(

Special Exposure Wednesday

Corey made it through Army basic training! Of course, I always knew that he would, and that he would be one of the best in his group! Now it's on to Georgia for an 18 week training....and then, I don't want to think about that right now....

I'm very proud of you, Corey!

Special Exposure Wednesday

Corey, my handsome soldier boy - also a little bit scary with that big gun!!

Defining Moments

Are there things in your children's life that you feel have dramatically changed things for the better? Sort of a shot-it-from-the-rooftops better?

Since my 19 year old son left today for the Army, I was reflecting on both his past and my other children's past. I realized that there have been momentous days in each of their lives - moments that I believe really changed the course of their lives for the better.

For Corey, my 19 year old, making the decision to join JROTC in the 9th grade was his moment. Corey as you know if you are a long time reader of this blog, had an early childhood that was difficult to say the least. Raised for the first 10 years of his life on the streets of Baltimore by an alcoholic, drug addicted birth mother took its toll on him. But the love of family (he joined me at age 12) and the order and consistency of JROTC really prepared him for a future that will be bright.

For Ashley, I believe the moment that set her life on a better course was when she got her G-tube at age 2. Born at 26 weeks gestation to an alcoholic birth mother, and facing a ton of medical issues, she was headed down a very difficult health path. But the G-tube allowed everyone to relax and work on feeding issues as well as the rest of her medical issues. I truly believe that her good health today was defined at that moment of surgery.

For Jessica, her moment came in middle school. Prior to that time, Jessica had battled rages and the inability to attach to anyone, least of all me. But in middle school, her teacher and the rest of the school staff finally joined forces with me to prove to Jessica that she could trust and love and attach. Though she still has demons to battle, I believe that she will do so knowing that she is loved.

And finally for Ronnie, his life changed drastically when he got an IPhone. I know, I know - that doesn't sound like that big a deal. But what that phone did was to open his world to his peers. In a world where not a lot of teenagers know sign language, he is now able to communicate via text with all his peers. And for those peers that do sign, he is able to use the phone as a video phone and sign back and forth with a peer. His world opened up that day he got the phone, and it continues to get larger with each passing day. His communication abilities, his literacy, and his technical knowlege is growing by leaps and bounds.

What about your children? Have there been defining days in their lives? I would love to hear about them!

She LET Them Win

We went bowling on Saturday. It was a cold, rainy morning and we needed to find an indoor activity. Since Chip had bought two Groupon coupons for bowling, our decision was made!

Ta Da....Ashley got a strike on the very first ball she rolled!!



The boys were mortified and tried very hard to catch her.





But being the sweet sister that she is, she LET them win!!

Special Exposure Wednesday

It was touch and go until the end, but Corey graduated yesterday. Two down, three to go....

Your Future Awaits

Eighteen years ago today, your birth mother brought you into this world. Six years ago, your family brought you to me.

Those six years have not always been easy, but I believe that along the way you have learned what a loving family is like. You have been given wings and been allowed to stretch them. You have experimented with life in a safe environment, and are forming your path for the future.

The first twelve years of your life were lived in a way that shouldn't have been. But you amaze me with your resilience and your willingness to move forward when others in the same situation would have stood still.

Your future is waiting, and I pray you will remember the lessons of these last six years. Never lose your compassionate heart - never compromise the things in which you believe - try not to choose the wrong path that others in your past chose for you.

Stay strong - believe in yourself - and always, always keep love in your heart.

Happy Birthday, Corey!
Corey's Mom

Brotherly Love

Sunday was pumpkin day for my punkins! It was also a day of brotherly love - big brothers helping a younger brother and sister!

Eating Out of Trashcans is not a Life

This is the last week of school for my children, and all of them have firmed up their summer plans…..except Corey, that is.

Ashley will be attending summer school for most of the summer. Classes only last half of the day, and every Friday is a day off. She has really enjoyed summer school in past years, and is looking forward to making yet another tie-dyed tee-shirt this summer!

Ronnie will be receiving some homebound school services twice a week for about an hour. It’s not enough to cramp his fun but is enough to ensure his skills with visual phonics remain on target. In late July, Ronnie will be having some major surgery, so his last month of the summer will be spent recovering from that.

Chip will be Ronnie’s personal care aide. He has already planned several activities to keep Ronnie busy and away from the video games!

And then there’s Corey. Corey is a less than mediocre student, and will be passing 11th grade by the skin of his teeth. His teachers and I don’t feel summer school is warranted because if he wasn’t motivated during the school year, trying to find that motivation over the summer is a lost cause.

So, several months ago, I began sharing information and phone numbers with him about summer jobs. He never followed up on anything. I pushed a bit, and asked if he had applied at Toys R Us (they had a help wanted sign posted). He applied but then told me the only thing they would offer is a job stocking shelves in the warehouse. Apparently such work is below him, and he declined.

Then I printed information out about volunteer opportunities, re-emphasizing to him that he had to work or volunteer, and if he didn’t I would make sure his summer was not a pleasant one. He is almost 18 years old. Sitting home all summer and playing video games is NOT an option. He hasn’t, to my knowledge, inquired about any of the volunteer opportunities.

So where does that leave Corey? Corey will be assigned lots and lots of jobs around the house – jobs he will not enjoy doing, but jobs that will keep him from melding with the TV. There is a shed to be cleaned out – lots and lots of ground to be dug up for a rose garden – an attic to clean out – a deck to waterproof – weeds to pull – kitchen cabinets to sand and refinish – and the list goes on and on.

Needless to say, I am not happy about this. Corey has decided his future rests with the military, and nothing between now and enlistment matters. I’m worried that the military is not really going to be an option (if he doesn’t graduate, for instance), or that even if he gets in, he won’t stay in. He would then have few if any job skills, and one of my biggest fears would be realized – he would end up back on the streets where he spent the first 12 years of his life.

Some of my friends say I am too hard on him. My response is, “I love him, and just want his life to be more than dirty alleys and food from trash cans.”

Teaching Through The Years

As I was drifting off to sleep last night, I began to think of all the things I have tried to teach my children over the years. I also realized that I have taken several different approaches to that teaching.

When my children were very young, direct instruction worked best (“Here honey, this is how you tie your shoes.”, “Hold your fork this way and it will be easier to pick the food up.”).

When they got a little older, I believe I started teaching more by example. (“Mommy is going to volunteer at the Food Bank today.”, “Sit tight while I take this extra plate of food to our neighbor who is not feeling well.”).

Finally as teenagers, I am letting my children learn through failure, mistakes and consequences. (“You’ve chosen to not do your homework all semester, so you can’t go on the field trip.”, “Do you think you should have checked the pockets of your jeans before washing them because I don’t think you can get the pink out of your underwear now?”).

I am very proud of the many things my children have learned, and last night I started listing some of those things.

My oldest son, Chip, is an extremely compassionate, humble person. And, he knows how to plant and tend a garden. I’ve always believed that a person who can grow their own food will never go hungry.

Jessica has learned to control the angry feelings that overtake her sometimes. She understands that if she does lose control, she will not like the consequences, and that other people will not want to be around her. Also, despite all the doctors telling her she would never be toilet trained, at age 11 she did master that skill. So there, doctors!

Corey still has a lot to learn, but I think it is finally starting to click with him that if he chooses to not do his homework and study, he may fail in school. And when you fail in school, your plans for after graduation will be put on hold. One thing he has learned is to appreciate many different kinds of food. When he first joined my family almost 6 years ago, he didn’t want to eat much of anything other than junk food. Now, he will eat anything and everything that is put in front of him. Leftovers are a distant memory in my house.

Ashley has learned to stand up for herself, an extremely important quality for a person with a disability. She has also learned the value of charm and that a smile can bring many more rewards than a frown. She has exceeded and continues to exceed all the limits doctors placed on her as an infant. They were oh so wrong, and she works to prove that every single day.

Ronnie is still adjusting and learning how things work in our family. He is currently working on requesting and not demanding, thanking and not expecting. He has one of the sweetest hearts of any child I ever known, and now with the excellent role model he has in Chip, I predict great things for him. He needs to work a little more on self-sufficiency, but he seems very open to that, especially if he thinks it will get him the attention of a certain young lady in his class!!

So what skills make you and your children the proudest?

Season Over

Four children with IEPs. Six meetings in the last six weeks. But I am done for this school year!!!

It’s so interesting to me how different IEP teams conduct meetings differently. Now all these are in the same school district, a school district that is OCD about following the rules (except when they don’t).

For Jessica’s IEP, the team just passed the document around via email. We had our discussions via email, and appropriate changes were made. Then I signed the document electronically and sent it to school electronically.

Ronnie’s IEP meeting, the first held for him in this school district, involved 16 people and two attorneys. The attorneys were not for the reason you probably suspect, but for now, I can’t share anymore. The final result however was that 2 weeks later, a great IEP had been developed for Ronnie’s transition to his new school.

Ashley’s IEP meeting was pretty run of the mill. Of course, that has not always been the case, but I think we are finally re-establishing good working relationships. Until high school, her IEP meetings were always contentious, lasted hours, and often ended in mediation and once in due process. But this year was fine. She has a good IEP and next school year is looking to be a positive experience, much like this first year of high school.

Then, we had ESY IEP meetings for both Ashley and Ronnie. Again, no problems and good results.

Today I finished up with Corey’s IEP meeting. Corey’s meeting was only attended by me, the case manager, and a general education teacher. Of course, we were missing an administrator, but I was too tired of meetings to quibble about that. Corey’s meeting was interesting because of the contrast between Corey’s actual abilities and his motivation to do a good job, or even a passable job, at school. It’s tough to write goals and objectives when the primary reason Corey is failing 11th grade is lack of motivation.

Also, because Corey can’t plan and imagine a future any further than tomorrow, we did beef up the IEP with objectives requiring him to explore and consider life after high school. I am so worried that he will eventually squeak through high school, and then have absolutely no place to go. College isn’t looking likely. The military, his first choice, is even questionable. I proposed to the team that we hit hard on some vocational skills and they agreed. So, we ended up with another good IEP.

Other than all the time I had to take off from work, this year’s IEP season wasn’t too bad. But I am really, really glad it is over!

Snakes Make Good Pets

I’ve always known that my son, Corey, lacks social skills. He joined my family when he was twelve years old, and I am sure that his traumatic earlier life as well as his Aspergers contributes to that lack. But it seems to be getting worse. Is that possible or typical for a person who is diagnosed with Aspergers?

Corey is now 17 years old. Although he comes home and talks about his friends at school, I know from other children there that he really doesn’t have any friends. I’m not sure he realizes that often the other students are making fun of him even as they pretend to be his friend for some bullying purpose or another.

No one ever telephones him. He never calls anyone. He is never invited to a party or other outings. Other kids don’t wave or say goodbye as he gets off the school bus each afternoon.

Even around the house and the family he seems to be withdrawing more and more the older he gets.

I’ve fought my school district to provide social skills training – they continue to refuse. I’ve sent Corey to a social skills support group, but after a few visits he doesn’t want to go anymore. If I make him, he will refuse to participate. My older son continues to model appropriate social skills, and goes out of his way to help Corey, but all Corey will do is copy everything Chip does – not because he ‘gets’ the social aspect but because he thinks it makes him ‘cool’ to be like Chip.

I’ve gotten Corey to volunteer during the summer so that he can be around other kids and other adults. He attends the deafblind support group meetings we have at our house and at other locations. But still I see no progress.

Sure, Corey will speak in a group of new people as if he is an expert on a particular subject. He even does so with such an air of confidence that it is almost believable until you realize that the subject on which he is speaking has not even been mentioned by the group he is around.

For example, a group of his high school peers might be talking about the latest movie they all saw. Corey will speak up loudly that snakes make good pets, and will go on to list the reasons why. You can see his peers glance back and forth at each other and soon move away from him.

So, is it typical that the lack of social skills becomes more obvious as a child gets older, or are the lack of skills even getting worse? This is a scary considering that in just over a year, Corey should be moving into the job market. How is he going to be able to get and hold down a job?

He can’t stay home forever, and I feel so bad that I don’t seem to be helping him.

A Bleak Future?

I’m really starting to worry about my 17 year old son, Corey. If you’ve been a long time reader of my blog, you probably know a little about Corey, but if not, I’ll summarize.

Corey spent the first 8 years of his life living on the streets of Baltimore with his prostitute, alcoholic, drug addicted birth mother. Then, from ages 10-14, he was reluctantly rescued by his grandparents who took him to live in their Florida retirement community. After years of searching for another home for him (apparently his aunt and uncle, who live less than 5 miles from me, weren’t interested), I was approached and agreed to let him join my family. I first introduced my readers to Corey back in 2007.

Corey is diagnosed with depression, ADHD, and Asperger’s Syndrome. While his depression and ADHD are well controlled with medication, it’s the Asperger’s that has me worried for his future.

Corey has said he wants to join the military. I don’t think they will take him. His social skills are those of an 8-10 year old, and holding down a job isn’t something I believe will come easily for him. His grades in school are not good, and college, even community college, seems well out of reach.

So what will happen next year when he graduates from college? And what will happen with the rest of his life?

Even in a loving home, a home that balances limits with a chance to grow, he hasn’t grown. He is still a 10 year old ball of emotions with the cognitive ability of maybe a 9th grader, and the hormones of a grown man. How can all that be packaged into an employable person, a person who can provide for himself in the not too distant future?

I welcome any advice and suggestions any of you may have. Heck, I may even be willing to pay for them!

We Need a Change

Summers are tough for my 16 year old son, Corey. While he complains about the structure and demands of the school year, when summer rolls around, he moves about like a zombie, never quite knowing what to do.

Corey is not a kid who is self-motivated. As much as I have tried to help him with that, I'm sorry to say it just isn't working. He needs someone to tell him what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. And honestly, I'm a little tired of doing that, and feel like at age 16 I shouldn't have to tell him to brush his teeth, clean his room, wash his clothes, etc. etc.

Since he joined my family four years ago, I have tried a lot of different things to address this issue. I've tried chore charts, very, very detailed chore charts. I've tried positive reinforcement. I've tried negative consequences. And while those things may have an initial effect, they usually stop working after a day or two.

So Corey's summer is spent watching TV, listening to his IPod, wandering around the house, or getting into trouble for not doing what he should be doing. I asked him to get a job for the summer, and he showed little to no interest. He gets annoyed because his brother does have a job, and money to spend, but not annoyed enough to do anything about it.

June's not even over yet and we are already grumbling and snapping at each other. I really need some ideas...

When Is It Bullying?

At the IEP meeting this week for my 16 year old son, Corey, a comment shared by one of Corey’s teachers was that Corey had a hard time knowing when his peers were joking around. Corey would take the joking personally and get upset and frustrated.

Corey is diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome and peer relationships have always been a bit of an issue for him. But, I was seeing a few red flags this time.

The day before the IEP meeting, Corey came up to me as soon as I arrived home from work, and in his typical ‘Corey style’, asked me, “Is it considered assault if someone comes up from behind, pulls back on your throat, and covers your mouth?” I told him yes, that could be considered assault in certain circumstances. He turned and left and appeared not to want to share anymore information.

The IEP meeting comment coming so close to Corey’s question, made me start thinking about bullying. I know most of our school systems are hypersensitive to the issue of bullying, and Corey’s IEP team was very responsive when I broached the subject. But, it just made me wonder. How do you know when joking around becomes bullying?

Normally, I would rely on how my child is feeling – does it feel like joking around or worse than that? But with Corey, and his often inaccurate reading of emotions, I just don’t know.

What are some of the warnings I should be on the lookout for? Have any of you had to deal with bullying and your child with disabilities, and if so, what tipped you off to the fact that it was happening?

Thankful Thursday

Today, I am dedicating my Thankful Thursday list to my children in honor of Mother's Day. Today I am thankful...

• for the way Ashley leans against me and falls asleep for 10 minutes each school morning while we wait for her bus


• for the pride Corey displays when he is wearing his JROTC uniform. He deserves to feel proud of himself.


• that Chip offered to buy a week's worth of groceries for me for Mother's day. I said no, of course, but it was very sweet that he was willing to do it.


• that Jessica still calls me every single night, even if it is just to yell at me.


• that Ashley is still very much a Momma's Girl. All my children are growing up so quickly and it is hard to let go of the closeness of their younger lives.


• that finally after 4 years, Corey does seem to be an integral part of our family.


• for the sweet way Chip touches Ashley on her cheek each morning, even if she is being Miss Grumpy Pants


• that Jessica still tells everyone that she thinks I am beautiful


• that all my children are growing into fine people, people who care, people who I am convinced will make a positive difference in this world


• and finally, for the child I have yet to find but hope to bring home one day in the near future

Happy Mother's Day!

Floortime - Reaching Beyond Autism?

My sixteen year old son, Corey, is diagnosed with Asperger’s syndrome. While to most people he would just seem a little quirky, I do have some major concerns about some of the issues that affect him. I don’t have a problem with his obsession on certain subjects – the weather, for instance – but I do worry about his lack of social skills and his difficulties with relating to his peers. So when I ran across an article in the NY Times last week that talked about a special school for teenagers with autism spectrum disorders, I was very interested. In fact, I posted a blog on the 5 Minutes For Special Needs site about the article, and I asked readers for their opinions.

The NY Times article and several other articles I found in my research led me to believe that the teaching technique was relatively new. Readers told me otherwise. And, most readers spoke of using the technique, called DIR/Floortime, with much younger children, not teenagers. Yet the NY Times article raved about the success of using Floortime with teenagers.



So, I was still left confused and wondering if Floortime would be an approach to consider. Then I got an email that really cleared things up for me. The person who sent the email is diagnosed with Asperger’s herself, and in addition to the information in her email, she has also sent me some other articles. I’ve included the text of her email (with her permission) below, and based on her comments, I believe I will pursue Floortime as an option for Corey.

Hi. My name is 'Ekie'. I was reading 5 Minutes For Special Needs and you asked for people to tell you what they know about floortime. I was intrigued by your post because you are the mother of a teenage Aspie. I am 24 years old and I have a non-verbal LD/Aspergers syndrome.

Last year in graduate school I took a class called Introduction to Floortime and I fell totally in love with the whole idea. I now say that I am a total Floortime convert. I just love, love, LOVE it. The whole idea of it is so very right, as compared to more traditional methodologies such as ABA, applied behavior analysis. You know how adults with autism say how much they hated ABA? Well, they will not be saying this about floortime.

The basic premise of floortime is to get the child to recognize that 1, I am a human 2, you are a human also and 3, these human people are useful, kind, and fun. It works to build an emotional connection first and foremost, to get the child to *want* to please you because they get an emotional reward for it - not an external reward as with ABA. Often in the beginning this is a lot of imitation and just going with the flow, but at the same time forcing the child to interact with you. For example if the child is running around the room you might stand in the path of where they are running so they have to go around you. Or if they are lining up blocks over and over you might insert a new block that goes in a different direction. There are a lot of levels - I think they go up to 12 or even higher - and only once a child has mastered one level (and I can't remember the levels enough to explain them properly, sorry) you go on to the next, but you keep reinforcing all the old stuff they learn.

Unfortunately the Floortime/DIR (Developmental, Individual, Relationship-based) is kind of a monopoly controlled by Stanley Greenspan. Getting certified in it is a very hard process because they only do the trainings in CA. I took my course via my university. They do classes for parents and professionals, but they are mostly geared towards working with younger children.

I can't quite explain my feelings about floortime except to say that it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside, unlike ABA, which makes me feel like people are training their kids like dogs or seals are trained. Floortime is completely child-centered, and it is about using the child's strengths that they already have to teach them new things. It acknowledges the inherent dignity and abilities of all kids no matter how young.

Thank you, Ekie, for your comments!