Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Hear Today, Gone Tomorrow

What little bit of hearing my dear Ashley had is starting to deteriorate. Two years ago, the audiologist recorded a profound loss in her right ear and a severe loss in her left. But, she could still hear loud noises, and seemed to hear the voices of some people, people I think whose tone and cadence she had become accustomed to.

She’s always relied a lot on Tadoma, and if a person will get close enough to her, she can also read lips a little. But recently, I’m noticing that she is missing things she used to be able to hear. And the worst thing of all, the few words that she could almost say are now nearly unrecognizable.

I can’t remember the last time I heard ‘Gip’, her way of saying her brother’s name, Chip. ‘Hi’ - or her version ‘HUH’ - is seldom uttered anymore, although we do still hear ‘Bye’ pretty clearly. She also will still say ‘Oooh Mae’, her way of saying her dear aide’s name Amy.

But the saddest loss? I’m not hearing ‘Mom Mom’ very often, and her ‘I lu’ for ‘I love you’ is slowly slipping away.

Yes, she signs all those things. Yes, her signing has improved even as her hearing as deteriorated. But, I’m really going to miss the sweet little voice of my daughter.

Maybe I shouldn’t be so sad….but I am.


Michelle Morgan-Coole said...

My Blue Jay being on the autistic spectrum, I waited a long time to hear "I love you". And I found that wait so hard. I couldn't imagine losing that now. That must be so hard. I'm sorry.

Lucy said...

I wrote this post when I was told my oldest son's hearing loss was progressive.

I'm sorry you're going through it.

Dalya said...

what if you asked Chip to go out with ashley, as him to help her pick a card for mothers day, one she can record so you can have her voice forever??


Ashley's Mom said...

Esbee, your post was beautiful and spoke exactly to what I am feeling. I know it's not the end of the world. In fact, I'm about to bring home another child who is profoundly deaf. I have never heard his voice and never will, but I don't love him any less.

I guess it's just because I have heard Ashley's voice. She worked so very hard to be able to say those few words, and now they are being taken away from her.

Dayla, what a wonderful idea. Thank you so much. I am going to do that tomorrow...

Lucy said...

It's not the end of the world, but somehow losing something (rather than never having had it in the first place) has its own pain. My son will never hear the ocean again, low tones being gone to him. I have the hardest time wrapping my brain around that loss, insignificant as it may be in the big scheme of things. I get what you mean. I really do.

ccbz said...

You have amazing insight and perspective. Losses should be mourned, for only then can we appreciate what we gain - or what we have left. My degenerative MD will "only" cause loss of muscle, not loss of the capacity to love. But it's still a process. We are all still learning, and grieving is so much a part of that. ♥

Marie said...

Of course you are sad. I love Dalya's idea