In Their Memory

I've wanted to write something about the Newtown tragedy ever since it happened, but I just can't find the words.

From the first moment I heard about the shootings, and with each news report since then, I get a tight knot in my stomach. I can't separate what happened to the children and adults in Newtown from what *could* happen to my children.

I had the same feeling about the 9/11 attacks. From a rational point of view, I could accept that on that September day it was unlikely that my children would be targets in their elementary school. But it didn't matter - I had to leave work, I had to pick them up from school, and I had to hold them tight.

Such tragedies can't be in my mind and my heart something that happened to other people, other children. The very fact that it happened to them means it could happen to my children, and such a thought leaves my no words to express my feelings.

I'm on edge now just like I was after 9/11, just like I was after the movie theatre shootings, just like I was after the Virginia Tech killings, and just like I was after the mall shootings. In fact, I have trouble going into a mall or a movie theater, or any public place for that matter, without scoping out escape routes, playing out 'what ifs' in my head. And there's one thing I know, I absolutely do not like living like that.

I don't have any answers, and don't even want to start debating things like 'more gun control' or 'less gun control'. I hate that we have to consider increasing the security in our schools. I hate that we are taking away the innocence of our children, and the peace they should be feeling as they grow. And I hate that some people will be saying that the Newtown killer had Autism and that is why he did what he did.

I want to find a way to tell my children that evil does exist in the world, but that they can't live their lives dwelling on that. And then I need to learn to take my own advice.

I am so sorry for each and every one of the parents, husbands, sisters, other relatives and friends of the people murdered in Connecticut. I hope you can find some peace in the fact that as a nation our outrage will drive us to positive change for the future. We will do it in your loved one's memories.