Monday, January 26, 2009

Excuse Me?

Are you a blogger who heavily censors what you post? Or are you more of a Stephanie Klein kind of blogger who seems to share every subject, no matter how private?

I've always felt I was a little in between those two extremes. I do post about my children, Ashley especially, and do share a lot of information about medical conditions and treatments. It seems, though, that one of my Facebook friends thinks I share too much. There are, of course, extenutating circumstances.

Ashley's birthmother located me on Facebook and made me her friend. We had communicated very sporadically in the past via email, but with Facebook status updates, information flows a bit more freely.

Last Saturday night, I worded my Facebook status as "Deborah is worried that Ashley is getting sick again." I received the following message from Ashley's birthmother about that status:

I appreciate that you keep us (me and your friends) posted about Ashley's condition, but please be kind enough from this point on to avoid posting this information on the public walls for everyone to see. I think it is inappropriate that Ashley's medical problems and conditions are being made public when this should, in all fairness, remain a private matter. Whenever I see a post like this it really upsets me and makes me cry very hard, and ruins my days. I already hold enough guilt inside of me to last me a lifetime, and it's something I have to deal with. Please be a little more considerate when posting on Facebook...

Of course, this was the same person whose status update that same night said, "I let (boyfriend) take pictures of my butt...YUMMY!"

All this makes me wonder who should really be censoring what...

11 comments:

Connor's Mom said...

I think that this is a hard question for any blogging parent. Though I'm not dealing (yet) with birthparents as Connor is our biological son, I do struggle with how much information I should post. At first I didn't want to post any pictures of Connor because of worries that someone creepy would think he was cute. I decided I was being a little silly. Then I didn't want to post any of his medical information because he might be resentful someday that I shared his entire history on the internet. It's very, very hard to write about parenting a child with special needs, however, if you refrain from mentioning what any of the special needs are.
Finally I just threw most of my caution to the winds. I don't mention anyone else's children's names on the blog, and refrain from naming any doctors, medical facilities, or details that are too specific, but I do write about what I want to write about, and when Connor's a teenager, he can complain about it if he wants to.

Sheri said...

Oh hell no! I would be making my facebook profile private and removing her as a friend asap! But then again I have birthmother issues.

Nina Diane said...

I agree with Sheri....make your facebook private and remove her! and post what you want

Sue said...

Hi,
On my own blog, I have to be mindful that parents and other teachers will read what I post. Also because I have a blogroll ( which you are on) that they will probably read the comments I make on other people's blogs.
It sound to me as if Ashley's biological mother will always be grieving.Perhaps she wonders what it would have been like to deal with the everyday issues of being Ashley's mum and maybe even feels a little bit of guilt that it is you, and not her that is walking Ashley through life. Perhaps even a little bit of guilt about feeling relieved about it. All of these feelings would be understandable.
I think you do a great job sharing your journey with others and I really enjoy reading your posts. I learn alot about how to support the parents of my special needs school kids by reading about your life and I really appreciate that you share your life so openly.
You're a great mum. Ashley is blessed to have you

Trish said...

I agree that this is more of her issue than yours, and perhaps she should censor what she reads if she can't handle it.

I have gradually become more and more open over the past year, although I try to only post or comment things I wouldn't mind saying to the persons involved if necessary.

The Internet is a tricky place, but you have to be true to what you feel is best.

Live and Learn the Hard Way said...

I think that it should be your decision, as the parent raising Ashley, to decide what you share and with whom. Thank you for being so open and honest in your blog. I have really enjoyed your writing.

MB said...

I would definitely change my privacy settings so she can no longer see your status updates!

Carrie said...

I also struggle with how much information I post. My compromise (at least in my head) is that I pretty much leave my older two children out of my blogging since many of their friend's parents follow the blog (which is about my daughter's medical condition). I actually finally posted pics of my two older kids (one of each) just last week even though my blog is 6 months old.

It is just a balance that we need to find for each of us, I guess.

mommy~dearest said...

I highly censor my blog only because I promised Companion I would not write anything more about him. He thinks he comes off as an asshole every time I do. Gee...why do you think that is???

As far as the birthmother issue, it shouldn't be an issue. You're Ashley's mom, and you should be able to determine what you feel comfortable posting about. If it makes birthmom upset, she doesn't have to read it. Drop her as a "friend" if she still harrasses you about it.

I'm adopted and have a pretty good relationship with my birthmom. She does NOT overstep that boundary. She knows that my mom is my mom, and although she is the woman who gave birth to me, my mother is the one who has my best interest at heart.

*ugh* good luck!

Kristen@nosmallthing said...

This is a tough place to be. Anyone and everyone can read it. I think if birthmom has a problem with what you are saying, she should probably stop reading it. I don't say that in a harsh tone, I just say that maybe her emotional state is not strong enough to handle the guilt, sadness, remorse, the regret, whatever over her choices in life. It's a choice SHE has to make, not you. And frankly, from what you said about her butt pictures, well, maybe she isn't in a stable enough place right now to be handling these emotions...

Cheryl said...

Does she know there's a chapter of a book that's all about ashley? I'm in the middle of reading "the short bus." She'd probably go off, but I think he did a GREAT job, and you did (are doing) a service to this country (as are other advocates). She can shove it. All that matters is if ashley minds. Maybe Ashley likes that you post those things, b/c then people can send her well wishes. Did birthmom ever think of that? only you know...